I know it doesn’t appear that I am making progress on my goal of making a reflective journal but that’s the way it goes when you choose to try to be a good person, a good wife, a good mother, church member, and friend. The stuff “you” the “you” that lives inside of yourself wants to do has to somehow fit into the cracks.

I suppose some of you out there do not have as busy a life as mine, but it is my premise that no matter who you are... life (the life you have chosen to live) can suck away all of your bucket filling time.

I believe a person must protect his or her bucket filling time like a sentinel at the gates of God, because that is where we ultimately want to end up. Actually we will end up there whether we want to or not. But in the end I want to end up there happy and excited to tell Him all about my turn on earth, not making excuses for all the things I thought I should have done.

Each day I pray that I can do whatever it is that I am supposed to do... Not what I feel guilty about doing or not doing, because, my mind can be my worst enemy.

I try to be in tune and listen to the voice within prompting me to follow through on the important stuff. Then at some point I take time for myself. Some days it is a long time and other days it may only be a few minutes. Occasionally the day comes and goes without any “me” time at all because of that life sucking phenomenon I spoke of earlier. I think we all fight the life sucking thing over and over... it’s part of this life.

Anyway I got this section of the cupboard in the work room totally cleaned. (It probably would have been a more effective visual aid if I had a before and after picture, but I didn't think of that until the job was complete) I had to bleach the countertop where my semi-adult boys and friends washed out their screen printing stuff months ago and left the mess staining the surfaces it dried on. It took me hours to get this looking like new again, but I did it. For me, yesterday, this was my “me” time. I don’t think this job much mattered to anybody else in the whole world, except for me.

It mattered to me and it brought me one step closer to my goal of making a reflective journal by having the spaces around me cleaner, so that I have working space where I can eventually do my project.

I truly do have a goal to make myself an escapist reflective journal.

I realized that motivational speakers tell you that you can do anything you choose to do. Your life is your choice. I totally agree with this. However, even though I really want to spend my time working on this project.... and eventually I will do that. The life “I have chosen” is interfering right now. So in essence I am choosing to allow the circumstances to take priority over what I would like to choose to do.

This is where I think a lot of people get their thought process very muddy. They hear the chant of “You Choose” and then don’t let anybody or anything stand in your way. Then a person feels guilty because he or she has to take care of sick child or as in my case, this week, has a son who has played in the High School Championship Hockey Tournament because they have won every night but the first one and it’s a double elimination thing.

I know I want to support Ben. This will be the end of his high school hockey career. He has also had heavy duty school final things he has had to do this week which have involved his calling me to pull up make some miner change to some extended essay paper and reprint it in order to get it in on time.

I will make the reflective journal. I am working toward that goal. How much sweeter it will be in the end when I have jumped all the hurdles, slid into home, and crossed the finish line on my way to doing it.

Today I went downstairs to put the junk back in the cupboards so I could feel legitimate about working on the reflective journal. As you can see, Mary has hung her roses from Valentine's day to dry. In the blown up picture you can see she really doesn't want me to open the doors to the cupboard until the roses have completely dried. So it will be impossible to put anything away without moving the roses.

I can throw a tantrum about this

being my space... I don't really have it in me to do that.

I can take down the roses.... to heck with what she is doing..... what I want to do is more important to me... However, that's not how I feel about the situation.

I can have a private pity party thinking I never get to do what I want to do... I'm not a party type of person.

I can shift gears and wait until the roses are dry...

Life is short. Roses are important. One day Mary and all the life around me will be gone.

So instead of any of those ideas... I took a picture and decided to write about it on the Sisters of the Sole blog. And so here it is.

What would you do?

One interruption after another has me running in all different directions... I will get to the reflective journal. However, life sometimes needs to take precedence. With my son and my daughter both getting married in a couple of months and another son deciding if he is going to go on an LDS mission, it seems their issues trump the journal project.

I am still going there.... don't give up on me!

No Scissors!

Everybody's a suspect!!!

I took a birthday gift to my sisters office and several other necessaries. Finally I was able to go downstairs to work on the Reflective Journal and the Valentines.

No Scissors!

I don't know about you, but in this household the scissors must be hidden,... the good ones at least. A person can always find a pair that won't cut marshmallows. Nobody ever steals that pair. If a good pair of scissors sits out in the open for more than one day, it's fair game to be snatched by the house elves, or eaten by house gremlins, or dissolved into carpet grime.

Of course, nobody has any idea what happened to the good scissors.

It is a scissor conspiracy created to frustrate me from doing the things I want to do. And where do all these disappearing scissors go?

Who knows.

Sometimes when I am cleaning out some odd location like the grandchildren's lego box, or the toy closet, I might run into a pair or two, but generally the house absorbs them like morning dew.

So, after several hours today of looking for things I could not find, I had to help Ben with the continuing homework saga.

Tomorrow I have to go to the Provo juvenile court to testify in behalf of my grandson.

It's not looking too good for valentine making or journal work.

I must try harder!!!

Take a look at three of my Valentines I made!

I know I went down to the work room to make a reflective journal, but when I walked into the room I remembered I always take homemade valentines to neighbors that I visit. I shifted gears and started making valentines. Here are three of them. What do you think?

It looks like I am incapable of sticking to one thing and following it through to the end. I have acquired A.D.D. I can remember when I was so single minded I could start a book and not put it down until I had finished reading it even if it meant I stayed up all night to do it and everybody around me was having a party. But not anymore.

A.D.D. is contagious. You catch it from your children. Any person who has had a baby knows the minute you start doing something especially if its important, the baby will cry, needs his diaper changed or put a piece of dirt in his mouth. You have to stop whatever you’re doing and attend to the child.

As more children come and the first ones grow up you incorporate homework, home chores, meals, lessons, sports events, and various unplanned interruptions to acerbate the A.D.D. condition.

When I had a child in every phase of life, baby, preschool, elementary, junior high school, high school, and college, I yearned for a day when I could start a project, any project, perhaps something as simple as washing a batch of dishes without being interrupted.

Well, even though I still have three children living at home I’ve had a couple of those days when I could begin and follow through to the end of whatever and I’ve discovered I’ve actually lost my ability to do that. And what’s more I enjoy the diversion. The very thing I’ve cussed about my whole life with children I now embrace.

I will get to the reflective journal.... I promise

Stick with me here, it’s coming.

Okay here it is, one of those unexpected obstacles to interfere with a perfectly brilliant idea.

I took my envelope copy downstairs to begin my journal and WHAM!

After Christmas I started my annual Spring cleaning which I always do in January because the holidays are so crazy. Nothing in the hustle and deadlines of celebrations gets properly taken care of.

This year I decided to empty all my cupboards, sort, organize, and put down new shelf paper. I don’t think I’ve changed that shelf paper since we moved here thirteen years ago.

Anyway as you can see I was deeply into this project when my Christmas cold/cough got the best of me and I didn’t have enough energy to get back to it. By the time I felt better I was spending my time helping my son, Ben, get some very crucial school projects taken care of. (I wish he didn’t procrastinate, but what can I say?)

I’ve learned that when you abandon a big project like this one, often it becomes an acceptable eyesore that the person discounts when passing by. Then when that moment arrives where you need to use the facilities it screams things at you like:

What were you thinking when you started this project?

Do you ever finish anything you start?

What a lazy bum you are.

Just forget it.... Just forget all of it.

And on and on...

Not to be undaunted,... Remember I am taking control here. did I come down here to the work room to clean? No, I came to work on a project. Yes, I need to deal with the mess. I will recommit to do that now that my attention to it has been awakened, however, today I have an exciting new idea to explore and I am determined to get it rolling.

If I don’t do this today the enthusiasm and momentum will be gone and I probably won’t ever go back to it.

So,... I set up a card table. I am the Master here!

Yesterday as things came and went in my life I made notes on the back of an envelope that was sitting on my kitchen counter, of impressions that hit me one way or another.

This morning that envelope was stapled to a document. Somebody else had added information to “my collage.” Information they needed for the processing of their document.

As I looked at the envelope complete with a spot of soy sauce from dinner I realized this was a piece of history... my history. And it was about to leave, probably forever.

Wednesday, February 3, was my daughter, Sarah’s birthday. I had to speak in West Jordan to a youth group. In preparation for this assignment I reviewed the journal she kept the year before she died.

The thing that makes Sarah’s journal so much fun is that she includes sugar packets, programs, ticket stubs, doodles, torn notes she made here and there, and all kinds of etceteras.

Thinking about Sarah’s journal, I grabbed the stapled stack on my kitchen counter, complete with said envelope on top, and made a copy before it dashed out the door.

I decided it would be the starting element for a reflective journal of my choosing, and my impressions of those things. It suddenly occurred to me that the things we encounter each day whether through media, written word, conversation, event, or even how we feel, mold and make up the essence of our existence. In other words those are the things that make up OUR LIFE and WHO WE ARE!

It seems to me those elements make for much better journal than simply writing...

February 5, 2010: Nothing much happened today, just the usual routine, Ben off to school, cleaned house, went to Choi’s for dinner, mild weather, a little rain.

The envelope is evidence this day was much deeper for me than that! I could see certain impressions during the day deeply influenced my thoughts which in turn influence who I am, how I act, and what I will do.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Sisters of the Sole

Sisters of the Sole

www.janievankomen.com

The problem with starting a diary, journal, or even setting goals on January 1, is that it almost guarantees you will fail.

Why?

Because you have set yourself up for perfection, a status impossible to achieve in this lifetime. When you start on the first day of the year you lock yourself into a commitment to do ... something, EVERY single day.

Our lives are so hectic that an absolute every day commitment is more than difficult to achieve. If you were the only person in your life and you had complete control over all the avenues in and out of your existence, I do not doubt you would sail to your destination with bells on.

Unfortunately God set things up so we could deal with Adversity, Opposition, and Disappointment on a daily basis. It’s through these gifts that we learn who we really are.

If the Test isn’t hard... It isn’t a Test!

Most of the time when you set a Goal it becomes you against the enemy (whatever the goal is you’ve chosen... lose weight, clean house, exercise daily, read scriptures, be nice to a difficult person etc.). The Goal becomes the slave master and you allow yourself to become the slave to the goal. And most of the time you take it upon yourself to relegate severe punishment because you are such a disobedient slave.

Once you learn to turn things around then you become the master. You make the rules. You adjust the goal, or journal writing, or whatever to fit a level of accomplishment you can handle in the everyday sacrifices of yourself against your life.

When you start having SUCCESS every day instead of facing failure.... again, your self esteem will rise, your depression will decrease, your general outlook on life will be brighter.

AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY!!!!